Top Five Reasons to Stop Dressing For Your Body Type

The best ways to hide a tummy! Perfect jeans for pear shaped women! Create a waist with these three easy tips! Look slimmer by dinner!

I have clicked on every one of these articles. I even read an entire book entitled How to Never Look Fat Again.

In my defense, I thought the book would help me feel better in my own skin. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The book slogged along, shaming every body part that had the audacity to store fat and discussing ways to make it disappear. The book is 253 pages long and basically has one solution that I will summarize here:

For whatever part of your body you don’t like: Drape it in fitted, but not tight, dark fabric. Then wear something bright and shiny on some other body part.

Oh, and wear shapewear and high heals with everything. And get a tan.

Did you know you’ll look substantially slimmer if you always stand next to a giant statue of a caveman that looks weirdly like Chris Sharma? It’s true. So you should probably carry one around with you at all times, like Ann and I do.

Now I don’t want to suggest I’m so fabulously body-positive that I never follow the dark fabric prescription. Often it’s just a matter of simple aesthetics and proportion. Because I am high waisted, and have a compact bustline* wearing a lighter top and darker bottoms will help balance me out. But it’s not going to make me look, or more significantly make me feel, any thinner. Here’s why:

The more we focus on something, the more we see it

Have you ever played the license plate game with your family on a long road trip? It starts out kinda of slow but by the time you hit Idaho you, and all your family members, are expert at seeing the colors and patterns of license plates. This is because you have trained your brain to recognize a pattern.

Ooooh, Colorado! Two Points.

If you get up every morning thinking, “I gotta cover this thing up!” you will start to focus on whatever that “thing” is, and worry about it all day long. Yet literally no one else in the world is focusing on your “thing.” They take a quick look at you and think, “Nice top,” or “I love her hair,” or “She really ought to shave the pills off that sweater.”

If you want to go through your life worrying about your belly (or whatever), by all means read a ton of articles about hiding it, wear punishingly tight shapewear that reminds you all day long of your belly’s transgressions, and be sure to bring it up in conversation.

Anyone want to discuss how huge I think my calves look in this picture? Anyone even care?

The “right” clothes for your body might be the wrong clothes for your life

One of the funniest article I’ve ever read was taking issue with the puffer coat and snow boots. It noted that a puffer coat, filled with down, makes you look larger, and snow boots make your feet look big.

I mean, duh.

The article suggested that instead one ought to wear a dark princess cut wool coat, high healed black boots and a fur hat. In the snow. I don’t know when I’ve laughed so hard. Just because something narrows your silhouette doesn’t make it the right thing to wear.

The ensemble on the left is perfect for when it starts snowing in an opera house.

Your body probably doesn’t fall into a specific “type” anyway

Pear? Apple? Package of string cheese? Not only are these labels a little mean, they in no way account for the complexity of the human body. By most body calculators, I am considered a rectangle, and the accompanying article goes on to tell me how great I’m going to look in dropped waist dresses and tunics. I honestly look terrible in dropped-waist dresses and tunics. I’d post a picture of that horror if I weren’t so vain.

Not wearing a tunic top.

Body calculations are based solely on hip/waist/bust measurements. Strong shoulders, muscular legs, long or short torsos, height, posture – none of these things that have a huge impact on how clothes hang on you are taken into account.

Getting dressed is so much more fun when you don’t have to follow a set of rules

For years I had a list of “can wear” and “can’t wear” clothing, not at all unlike a six-year-old’s eating habits. Having “look thin” as the hard and fast rule of getting dressed is limiting to one’s style, not to mention one’s warmth and comfort. I remember the day specifically when I first broke my own rule and wore a wild, patterned skirt. The world continued to turn, this human venture marched on, and not one person said “Dang! You must have had some dinner last night. You look a full two pounds heavier!”

Wear what you love. People will see you, happy and enjoying your ensemble.

Things that used to be illegal in my wardrobe

Since when does looking thin mean looking good?**

Walk into any public place. You will see women of all sizes and ages who look beautiful. When we see a good-looking human, we are generally reacting to someone who feels comfortable in her skin, and is wearing clothes that compliment the wearer and the occasion. Start scanning for beauty everywhere you go, and my guess is you will see all sorts of women flouting the rules of skinny-dressing, and looking good in the process.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Light skirt, dark top, very small statue of NOT a caveman*** peeking over my shoulder. And yet I feel fabulous.

Ultimately, articles on hiding, slimming or otherwise attempting to erase any part of my body just wind up making me feel worse. Focus on wearing what you love, dressing for the life that you have, and you will feel fantastic. And that looks good on everyone.

* How’s that for a nice way to put it?

**OK, I can actually answer that question. In the western world, that notion began with the industrial revolution and consistent food surplus. That’s also when we start seeing eating disorders.

***That little statue is one my dad created, inspired by the tomb of Qin Shi Huangdi. I love it, even if it does make me look fat.